You cause my heart to rise and fall; no matter the occasion, you get a reaction out of me. You make me smile and you make cry, although one of those is never on purpose. The butterflies in my stomach are there even when you are not and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that. I’ve never had to. I mean, I have liked people before, and I have loved someone before, but this is different. So, so different. I have never hoped for someone to magically show up where I am before. I have never smiled or ran to hug someone before. I have never, ever in my life wanted to hang out with someone as badly as I do you. You pull me apart in the best possible away.
You have brought out the best in me — parts of my personality that I didn’t even know existed. You have changed me. I am more confident, I am more beautiful, I am more talkative. I am more friendly, I am more creative, I am more sure of myself. I am more adventurous, I am more kind, I am more me. I am more of everything good about myself. But I am also less. I am less of a pushover, I am less depressed, I am less scared. I am less nervous, I am less ugly, I am less insecure, I am less unsure. I am less of everything bad about me.
My heart skips a million beats when I think of you. Sometimes I feel like it might just stop all together. It is like you put an invisible cord around my heart that is too tight. It is like my heart has no space to move when I think of you because you make it move that fast, make it grow that big. When we are together, I want nothing more than to touch you (and I don’t mean sexually). I just want to hold your hand, to hold you. The ghost of a smile is always on my lips when I just think of you. Whenever I think of you, I think of all the good things you have said to me, all the ways you have made me laugh and all the ways you have lifted me up and my mouth betrays me, making me seemingly smile out of nowhere. It always feels like smiling even when I don’t let it.
You make me feel like a kid. I am randomly smiling because I remember something you did. Like right now, I remember when I got this photography journal that tells you what to take pictures of. “Take a picture of the last person to make you laugh.” So I took a picture of you. (Actually I told you about it and you immediately began to prep for a photo before I even told you I wanted to take your photo.) And that one time you told me that you used to make a list of jokes, or stuff you thought would make me laugh, so that you can try and make me laugh in class the next day.
I always think about how your voice changes when you talk to me, like I am the only person in the room, and like my happiness is your biggest concern. Your voice gets lower, quieter, and you’d ask, “Are you okay?” Or, my favorite, “Are you hungry?” As if me being hungry is the most important thing in the world right at that moment. Or, my second favorite, “Want to go/get out of here?” I always think about how I notice the change in your voice when you switch from talking to someone and then talking to me. It makes my heart happy because I feel so important. As if I am the number one priority, even when I shouldn’t be. It’s almost like a whisper, like you don’t want anyone else to hear what you have to say, because it’s only for me. As if your attention was only for me. As if I am the only one who matters to you in that moment.
Your voice is one of my favorite things. I love hearing it, no matter what we’re talking about. You could be talking about something I don’t understand (which is most of the time), and I’d still be content. Especially when you’re sleepy. Your tired voice makes my heart sing, the same way your laugh does. And you hate your laugh, so you keep it to yourself and that drives me crazy. But at the same time, making you laugh feels like an accomplishment (especially because it seems everyone/everything makes you laugh except for me). And I mean your real laugh, where sound comes out, and you do more than breathe heavy and smile.
I’ll never understand how you did this to me. I remember you turning around and looking at me as I walked away, after asking where you worked because I could’ve sworn we’d met before. I remember the look on your face as we walked in opposite directions. It said, “Wow, she’s amazing.” I didn’t understand what the look said until later though. I wonder how life would be different if I had recognized it immediately? Looking back, it’s almost as if your facial expression was the definition of ‘love at first sight.’ And every day since you have worked to show me how much I mean to you, and I couldn’t ever be more grateful.
