“Why are you sad?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” No response. Pause. “Well, what made you sad today?”
“I was watching Freaks & Geeks because I finished New Girl.”
“And that made you sad?”
“No, seeing people be happy with their friends makes me sad.”
“I always thought people being happy was good.”
“Yeah, for them.”
“Not for you?”
“Not really. I mean of course I’m happy they’re happy, but I’m not happy.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t have people willing to do anything for me. I don’t hang out with people. I’m alone. No matter how many times people say I’m not their actions say others wise. I’m alone.”
“What’s wrong with being alone? We hang out when you’re alone.”
“When you’re alone you realize all that’s wrong with you. You overthink why people don’t like you. And you’re not always my favorite person to see.”
“Why don’t you think people like you? Gee, thanks.”
“Because I can be loud and quiet. I don’t talk a lot and when I do what I say usually isn’t what people want to hear. I’m boring, a loser, unfunny.”
Concerned. “Has anyone said those things to you?”
“No, but I can see it, in the way people treat me and the faces they make when I talk. Or the voices they use when they talk to me.”
“Oh.” Long silence. “Are there other reasons you think people don’t like you?”
“Why? Can you think of some?”
“No, just curious.” Another pause. “Probably could though, if I tried hard enough.”
“I’m awkward. I remember things and notice things and that makes people uncomfortable. I never know what to say. I never say the right thing.”
“Who’s to say they know how to act?”
“The fact that they have friends and I don’t is a good indicator.”
“Maybe people are intimidated by you.”
“Me?” A laugh. “I don’t think so.”
“Well, can I tell you what I see?”
“Sure.”
“I see someone who is smart and pretty and able to handle her own.”
“You’re a motivational book.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll get more personal. You put a wall up so people can’t get in. You don’t let people get to know you even when they try.”
“That’s not true.”
“People talk to you.”
“Not the people I want to talk to me.”
“Who do you want to talk to you?”
“People I have things in common with.”
“Do you ever stop to think that maybe you think you’re better than others? Or maybe that you’re trying to fit in with people you don’t belong with?”
“No.”
“Consider it.”
“Okay, if I did consider it, where does that leave me? I’m still friendless, but now I’m a try hard poser too.”
“No, you’re just lost now.”
“Now you’re a therapist.”
“It’s true. You’re trying to avoid people you don’t deem acceptable while trying to fit in with people who don’t deem you acceptable. It’s a terrible cycle. Does that count as hypocrisy? Judging others then get mad when others judge you?”
“I don’t judge anybody, I know they’re good people.”
“You’re embarrassed and annoyed by most of them.”
“I don’t have anything in common with them. It’s not like we have anything to talk about.”
“And the embarrassment?”
“They’re loud. Whenever they walk in the room or talk or do anything they’re so loud. They make people stare. It’s more self conscious than embarrassment.”
“I’d say it’s both.”
“And who are you to say?”
“Good question. Why are we talking about this?”
“I don’t know anymore.” Long silence. A cigarette is lit. “What do you think?”
“About what?”
“All of it.” Hand with cigarette is waved.
“All of what?”
“People. Friendships.”
“Mine or yours?” Short pause.
“Yours.”
“I’d say mine are better than yours, since you’re asking.”
“No, I mean do you think you judge people?”
“Of course I do. I won’t pretend I don’t.”
“You think I’m pretending?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I judge people based on if we could hang out, have things in common.”
“That’s what I said!”
“No, you said you judge people based on if they’re cool. Maybe not in so many words, but you said it.”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“That’s cool and all, but you still do. Most of the time. You only listen to me like half the time.”
“How can I do that most of the time but still listen to you half the time?”
“I don’t know. Look, you reflect on yourself all the time because you’re paranoid about every little thing you do. But you never change. You probably won’t, either. You’re a decent person, but you’re far from being a great person.”
“Harsh.” Cigarette butt is tossed aside, stepped on.
“It’s true.” No response. [Other] Begins to wander off. “I wish you’d just sleep. We could use some sleep.”
“Yeah, then maybe you’d stop criticizing me.”
“That’s funny.”
“Thank you.”
